Franken Teddy ushered me into Darryl’s division, a dim little workplace lit by flickering fluorescent lights.
“THE NEW SATANIC THRALL HAS ARRIVED,” introduced Franken Teddy.
Darryl walked up and eyed me up and down. He was a brief and bespectacled reptilian demon with a big potbelly that strained the buttons of his shirt. He seemed over his spectacles at me with a glance of slack disinterest.
“Jerry Smith, Grasp of Satanic Magic?” he stated.
“THERE HAS BEEN A MIXUP,” Franken Teddy stated. “THIS IS DAVID ROBBINS, MASTER OF SATANIC ACCOUNTING.”
“Erm, simply accounting,” I stated.
Darryl crossed his arms and wrinkled up the leathery pores and skin of his face.
“What am I purported to do with a daily Earth accountant?” he requested. “That is no good. Inform Devil to ship him again up.”
“WE CAN’T SEND HIM BACK,” he replied. “HE’S ALREADY SIGNED THE CONTRACT.”
Darryl sighed and rubbed his brow. He rotated and beckoned over his shoulder at me.
“Come on this fashion,” he stated. “I’ll present you to your desk.
He led us to a small however hefty trying metallic desk with a leg manacle hooked up to the underside.
“Don’t fear,” Darryl stated when he caught me eyeing it. “We don’t use the chains anymore. New labor rules and all that.”
“That’s nice,” I stated faintly.
“So I assume what you’ll be doing right here then?” he requested. “The contract would have been very detailed.”
“Properly, it was written in Previous Enochian,” I stated.
Darryl peered excessive of his glasses once more.
“You imply to inform me that you may’t learn Previous Enochian?” he requested.
“Sure, that’s proper.”
Darryl pulled off his spectacles and rubbed his eyes.
“And but Devil nonetheless refuses to let the division heads interview new candidates,” he stated despondently. “Properly I hate to interrupt it to you however it’s nothing thrilling. On this division, we mainly function middle-men. We cope with the shopping for and promoting of souls.”
“Who would purchase a human soul?” I requested.
“Varied cosmic entities.”
“What do they do with them?” I requested.
“We don’t actually cope with that on this division,” he stated.
“I at all times thought Hell was the ultimate vacation spot for damned souls,” I stated. “I had no concept that it was truly simply filled with middlemen.”
“First off,” Darryl stated, “Even when Hell was the ultimate vacation spot for souls it will nonetheless be full of middlemen. Secondly, Hell is a multi-dimensional company, we don’t simply commerce in souls. Now we have components in every kind of enterprise. We simply closed a giant endorsement cope with an A-list film star for considered one of our reverse mortgage firms.”
“Actually?” I stated. “You managed to get a film star to signal a cope with Devil? How did you do this?”
“Oh it was straightforward,” Darryl stated, waving his hand dismissively. “We personal ninety p.c of all of the souls in Hollywood.”
“Oh,” I stated.
“Don’t fear,” Darryl stated. “It takes a bit of ethical flexibility at first, however I’m certain that you simply’ll get used to it. And all issues thought of, it’s not a foul place to work. We’ve received a superb medical plan, as an example.”
“Oh certain,” stated Darryl. “Simply let our medical division know if any a part of your physique is bothering you they usually’ll take away it, nearly completely freed from cost. If you need anesthesia you’ll should pay for it your self, although.”
Simply then there was a horrible, blood-curdling scream from down the corridor.
“What was that?” I stated.
“Oh,” stated Darryl. “Jeremy from human assets had a hangnail, and the medical division opted to amputate his foot. Higher protected than sorry, –if Jeremy doesn’t have a foot he can’t have any costlier medical issues.”
I seemed down at my toes and thought of my very own hangnail, and my abdomen gave a sickening lurch.
“I uh, want to decide out of the medical plan,” I stated. “I want all of my physique components to stay.”
“Actually?” stated Darryl, elevating his eyebrows. “If that’s the case I’d keep away from the workplace shredder. It’s terribly aggressive.”
I eyed the big metallic paper shredder within the nook, the highest of which was completely lined in contemporary blood, and silently vowed by no means to enter that part of the workplace.
“What do you imply aggressive?” I stated.
Simply then a small, amphibious demon gazing a folder walked proper by the shredder, and was promptly vaulted by a spring-loaded flooring panel immediately into the machine’s mouth. There was a sick, moist grinding noise as blood sprayed all around the ceiling.
“Rattling it,” Darryl stated. “I hold telling the interns to not go close to it however they at all times neglect. We’ll should get a brand new batch from the local people school quickly.”
My coronary heart started to pound wildly in my chest, and bile rose in my abdomen as I fought the urge to vomit.
“Are you alright?” requested Darryl. “You look a bit of inexperienced.”
“I’m effective,” I croaked out.
“Are you certain?” he requested. “Perhaps it’s good to go to the medical division.”
“NO!” I screamed. “I imply, ahem, I’m effective. I’m simply undecided I’m too comfy with promoting human souls.”
“It’s simply enterprise, David,” he stated. “You understand what meaning, proper?”
“Properly, Franken Teddy is your coaching officer–I’ll let him clarify it to you.”
“IT’S JUST BUSINESS IS WHAT YOU SAY WHEN YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING TERRIBLE AND NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT IT AFTERWARDS,” boomed Franken Teddy.
“What?” stated Darryl. “No, that’s not proper in any respect.”
Franken Teddy shrugged.
“THAT’S WHAT SATAN TOLD ME,”he stated.
“You all are going to present me an aneurysm,” stated Darryl. “Look, on the very least I’m certain we’ve a brand new challenge within the pipeline. It’s the whole purpose Devil employed you in any case.”
“Ah sure,” I stated. “He talked about one thing about that.”
“Properly that is high secret,” he stated.
He peered over his spectacles at Franken Teddy.
“Meaning you want to depart,” he stated.
“I HAVE THE HIGHEST SECURITY CLEARANCE IN HELL,” protested Franken Teddy.
“Sure,” stated Darryl. “You even have a giant mouth and a head filled with stuffing. Now get out and let David and I get to it.”
“FINE,” stated Franken Teddy. “I DIDN’T WANT TO KNOW ANYWAY.”
Franken Teddy stomped out of the workplace and slammed the door behind him.
“So can we discuss in regards to the secret challenge now?”
Darryl held up a hand to silence me. He picked up a sealed ream of paper from the desk and hurled it on the door.
“OW,” got here Franken Teddy’s muffled voice from behind the door. It was rapidly adopted by the heavy sound of retreating footsteps.
“Now we will discuss,” stated Darryl. “So, you’re an accountant, proper? I assume you understand how provide and demand works?”
“Erm, sure, vaguely no less than.”
“Good,” stated Darryl. “As a result of because the middlemen within the trade of souls between worlds, our revenue margins are completely depending on controlling the movement of souls. You see, Hell used to have a monopoly on promoting souls to different dimensions. However recently, new opponents have sprouted up within the type of new religions. Mixed with the worldwide inhabitants improve, souls are being devalued on the similar time we’re dropping management of the market.”
“Okay…” I stated.
“You see, our funding in Hollywood has proved significantly profitable, and allowed us to clinch high-value movie star endorsement offers for pennies on the greenback. Utilizing the cultural hub of America as our private promoting company additionally permits us to safe souls from all around the nation. So our high precedence is re-securing that market from the brand new fad faith that’s stealing movie star souls from us.”
“Maintain on,” I stated. “Are you speaking about Scientology?”
“Shh!” stated Darryl, trying across the room with a transparent expression of paranoia. “By no means say the ‘S’ phrase round right here! Are you making an attempt to get sued? In our division we use a code phrase. From right here on out, you’re to discuss with our work as BS, which is clearly quick for Beating… effectively . The ‘S.’”
“Proper…” I stated. “So how are we going to beat them?”
“With golf equipment, ultimately,” stated Darryl. “However that comes later, after the financial wreck. In spite of everything, you’ll be able to’t get away with beating wealthy individuals to loss of life on the street now are you able to?”
“Erm, no,” I stated. “I suppose not.”
“Good,” stated Darryl. “So we’re on the identical web page. Now let’s get began.”
He beckoned me to an outdated wood door behind the workplace. There was a brown plastic plaque on the aspect of the room that learn ‘Disintegration Room.’
Darryl pushed the door open to darkness past, however I stood rooted to floor, unable to power my legs to maneuver. He rotated and raised his eyebrows.
“Aren’t you coming?” he requested.
I may really feel the bile rising in my abdomen once more.
“Erm, Darryl?”I requested. “What’s the ‘Disintegration Room?’”
“Ah,” replied Darryl. “That’s the idea of our complete plan.”
“Alright,” stated Darryl, hand on the knob. “Are you able to have your thoughts blown?”
“No,” I stated. “Not likely.”
“That’s the spirit,” he stated, pushing the door open.
After I noticed what was inside my thoughts was extra muddled than blown. There was a crowd of about twenty regular individuals in enterprise fits, casually milling round and never doing a lot of something. Darryl let loose a protracted contented sigh.
“They’re magnificent, aren’t they?” he stated.
“Erm, that relies upon,” I stated. “What are they?”
Darryl turned to me and for the primary time since I’d met him he was smiling, a mischievous gleam in his eye.
“What do you assume they’re?” he requested.
“I don’t know,” I stated. “They only seem like common individuals to me.”
“Ha!” shouted Darryl, smacking his knee together with his clipboard. “Precisely. They seem like common individuals.”
“Properly, what are they then?” I requested.
Darryl waved the 2 of us inside and walked us across the room. As soon as I received a more in-depth have a look at the individuals milling round, I spotted there was one thing barely off in regards to the lot of them. Their eyes have been all only a bit too huge they usually all wore broad smiles for no perceivable purpose.
“Considered one of my extra good concepts,” stated Darryl. “As you in all probability know, movie star souls go for thrice the value as common ones.”
“They do?” I requested.
“After all,” stated Darryl.
One thing clicked, and I stated, “Oh, I believe I get it. You’re going to take these individuals and switch them into pseudocelebrities.”
“Wow, that concept’s not half dangerous,” he stated, scribbling a be aware on his file. Then, clearing his throat he went on.
“However these guys are for one thing else,” he stated. “I’ve already defined the fundamentals of challenge BS to you, so I’ll go forward and transfer on to the particulars.”
“Okay…” I stated.
“What we do with these guys is use them to infiltrate. See, all of them could seem like regular people, however they’re truly simply demons in human pores and skin fits. They’re down right here working towards the right way to be human. After that, we swap out the top-level cult leaders for demonic clones.”
“However why’s it known as the disintegration room?” I requested.
An unpleasant smile of impish pleasure distorted Darryl’s options.
“Due to this,” he stated.
He rotated and grabbed a red-handled lever on the wall behind him, yanking it downwards. There was a loud squish, and I winced as flecks of blood landed on my face. Half the individuals of the room had been diminished to chunky puddles.
“Why did you do this?” I requested, making an attempt to wipe the blood off my face however solely managing to smear it.
“These have been the actual ones,” Darryl stated. “We carry them down right here and inform them its a top-secret ‘you-know-what’ compound. That they’re concerned in one thing particular and that if they assist us they’ll be rewarded in paradise or Valhalla, or no matter heaven it’s that their crackpot faith professes.”
“I believe Scient–erm, they, imagine in reincarnation.”
“Properly, that is extra like de-incarnation,” stated Darryl. He laughed throatily at his personal pun.
“Erm, proper,” I stated. “In order an accountant, what precisely is meant to be my function in all this?”
Darryl frowned at scratched at his wobbly chin.
“Properly,” he stated. “What we actually wanted was a Grasp in Satanic Accounting, to maintain monitor of the boring paperwork. However because you’re not certified for that we’ll have to search out one other place for you. Are you any good at making espresso?”
“You’re not by any probability licensed to present Shiatsu massages?”
“Properly that actually solely leaves one place obtainable, then. We want someone-a actual human-to take over as the pinnacle of the cult, faith, no matter you wish to name it. Would you be comfy sporting a human pores and skin swimsuit to work?”
“Not even a bit of,” I stated.
“Properly, I’m afraid it’s both that or everlasting damnation for breach of contract.”
“Nice,” Darryl stated, one other broad grin stretching throughout his fats lips and wobbly chin. “We’ll ship you again as much as Earth to safe the bundle then. You’ll have to carry this.”
He rummaged in his pockets and pulled out a gun that seemed like one thing out of a science fiction film.
“What the Hell does this factor do?”
However Darryl was already checking his watch, an ostentatious Rolex with a decent leather-based band that dug into the fats of his wrist, and should have misheard the query.
“Erm, simply level and shoot,” he stated absentmindedly. “Ah, right here it’s.”
He pressed a button on the aspect of his watch and my abdomen lurched because the world disappeared right into a sudden darkness. I used to be hurtling by way of the darkish, cool air roaring by my ears as my physique rocketed upwards. All of the sudden I discovered myself face down on the ground of my front room, a skinny trickle of drool leaking out of the nook of my mouth.
My head was spinning as I pushed myself right into a sitting place. My wobbly gaze was met by the huge plastic grins of acolytes Paul and Stephen.
“Good to see you in tip-top form, sir” stated acolyte Paul. “We’d higher get to work.”
Credit score: David Maloney (a.ok.a. LifeIsStrangeMeToo) (Official Web site • Fb • Reddit)